[excluded relationships]

This was modified from a speech format, so some of the wording may appear slightly off.

I don't know if you've noticed, but the Christian community leads pretty complacent lives. Our rules are set, our methods are clear. We have it all figured out, right?

When you look beyond the façade, you find a problem in our culture that is damaging and destroying teenager’s lives. It is one that I have personally experienced. It is the danger that Christian relationships are posing for our teens.

Before we take a closer look at the issue, you have to understand one thing about me, and that is, I am a sucker for love. Even when I would watch a movie as a kid, and the couple kissed, outwardly I would groan (because I’m a little boy and I’m practically required to do so) but inwardly I would be loving it! I’m what you call a hopeless romantic. I’m quite literally in love with love. And while this characteristic does have its upsides, it was a large part of my message today.

Just a little under 2 years ago, I met a girl, a really incredible young lady. She’s the type of person who’s always encouraging, always supportive, always caring, and over all just one of the most incredible young women you ever will meet.

Sparks flew, and over the next year we spent a large amount of time getting to know each other. Very quickly, we formed a really strong emotional attachment, and as time progressed our wise parents saw it fit to end the relationship. But the emotional connection that we had, made it extremely difficult to move on, and a lot of heartache and pain resulted because of that.

As I look back at the last couple of years, obviously I learned a great deal from this experience, but I think one of the most important lessons I learned was that our Christian teen relationships aren’t doing us a whole lot of good.

What I’ve seen through my experience, and through the experiences of those around me, is that the young Christian relationships are often more damaging then the relationships of our non-Christian counterparts.

Why? Because these Christian teen relationships, while usually physically pure, are emotionally dangerous.

In my brother Josh’s books on relationships, one of the main lessons that is taught is that relationships are serious things. They shouldn’t be recreational they should have a purpose. Fortunately, most young Christian teens get this principle. What they don’t understand is that proper timing has to go hand-in-hand with a serious relationship.

Because of this ignored principle we find ourselves in a Christian culture where young Christian teenagers are in heavily emotional relationship before they’re mature enough to handle one.

Sadly, I’ve seen this damage and ruin dozens of young relationships. Relationships that, had they been cultivated at the right time, may very well have turned out far better.

Is it possible that these Christian teenage relationships are actually more destructive? Could it be that those casual, noncommittal relationships that we so easily look down upon aren’t as damaging as the ones that we allow within the Christian community?

Something needs to change. Relationships and lives cannot continue to be ruined because young people aren’t willing to wait for the right time.

But here's the catch. What I’ve discovered is that most young people don’t even realize they’re in a relationship until it’s too late. "We're just friends. It's not like that." These phrases and dozens more are used as excuses to trick everyone, including themselves, into believing there isn't something going on.

Having been in the same situation I hope I can do all that is possible to keep other young people from making the same mistakes. So I have questions. Questions that need to be posed and answered honestly. You have nothing to gain by deceiving yourself.

Question number one: Is the teen ready for marriage? This may seem like an odd question, but it’s really not. If a young person truly believes in a serious, purposeful relationship then they shouldn’t want anything to do with a relationship until they’re ready for a serious commitment.

Question number two: Is the teen in a relationship? This is perhaps the most delicate of all the questions. I know this because I offered every rationalization and reason to convince myself that I wasn’t in a relationship. Don’t attempt to fool yourself. It won’t help anything.

Push aside all of the rationalizations and excuses offered and ask the question, is the teen in a relationship with another person, in which they view each other as anything more than normal friends? An honest answer, no matter how hard it is, will be far less painful then the pain you will have to endure if you close your eyes and continue down this destructive path blindly.

Question number three: Is this relationship distracting from them investing time in their school, in their friendships, and with God? To answer this, ask yourself these questions: Do they think and dream about that special someone more than they invest in their education? Do they sacrifice spending quality time with dear friends in order to call that person, or IM them online? And most importantly, is their mind more occupied with that person than it’s occupied in prayer to God, and in time delving into his Word? This is a frightening realization. It was for me. Has God been replaced as the first love in our teen’s lives? Their friends, their education, have they taken second place to this relationship?

A relationship is constructive, or destructive. There is no middle ground.

Fourth and final question: Are you going to take this message to heart? Will you allow these questions to change your life-style? The reason that I ask is that every rationalization, and every trick you can play on your mind I’ve already used. We so easily convince ourselves that there isn’t a problem, or that we’ll fix it at a better time. Don’t lie to yourself. Fix things before it’s too late.

Now, please understand, I’m not writing about a magic cure, or a three-step action plan to fix all teen relationships. The way each person deals with this problem will be different from the last. But I trust that, if you answer these questions honestly, the decisions that must be made will become crystal clear.

So back to my story. What is the ending? I don’t know. It continues to be written. And while I can hope and pray that things turn out the way that I want them to, it’s all in God’s hands. Every day, I struggle with the consequences of a premature, emotional relationship. I do not stand before you today as someone who has it all figured out, but rather, as someone who serves as a warning to those like me.

We have an epidemic before us. I do not use that word lightly. Will it be stopped? That will be decided by each individual decision. All I know is that God has been gracious to allow me to use my story to speak into other's lives. And with God’s blessing, perhaps it can impact an entire generation.